I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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