I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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