Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
