Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
