how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Randomize
