She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
