I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
