Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
