While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
