our cab driver is having phone sex.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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