I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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