When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
