1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
