Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
