I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
