I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
