does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
