Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
