Will you blow on my dice?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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