I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize