mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
