My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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