matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize