I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize