Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize