Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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