when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
