Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
