We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
