i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
