I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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