I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She bit a glass in half.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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