she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
