Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
