He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
