I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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