Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
