I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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