All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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