so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
