Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
