I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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