im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
