His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
