he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
