Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
