Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
