just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
