dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
