Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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