I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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