Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
