ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
