If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize