last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
