There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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