The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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