I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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