Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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