Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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