Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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