I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
