laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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